It has been an extremely long year. I cant help but to give thanks to God for
all the ways I've grown and matured over all of my 40 something years. I am
grateful for each good and bad moment because I know it is a test just to see
how strong I am. I am human, so i have fallen off my mark, but i desperately
need to find my path. My path.
My path's trajectory is in auto-drive. Has been in auto-drive for fortnite. But,
I do think it's time for me to grab the steering wheel, type in new coordinates
and push forward fast and straight like the speed of light. My capsule will sway
through bumps, cracks and torn pavement on the way to my destination. My vesel
was made for each obsticle the world has thrown. For my destination, I can
honestly say it is unkown. I have to explore new horizons, chart new lands, find
new adventures with people who I ask to call me John last name Doe.
Home, as a child i thought of home as a place made of love, smelled of fresh
fruit. As a only child I didn't have a lot of experience with a lot. Now, I live
in a place of filled with shame...disgust...trechary...betrayal, betrayal on
levels I couldn't have imagined in my worst nightmare. I'm the main character in
a video game akin to Resident Evil, even though I didn't receive a script or
residuals. I feel I'm in a world filled with hidden cameras, another reality
show but I don't remember signing the release form. They say I did, my estranged
wife and absent father.
If asked, why do I think this way. I have given my soul to those who take, take,
take. Don't get me wrong they will do but when asked of issues they will throw
back in your face each time they have helplessly provided you with even a
band-aid. My past self, a man quick to throw on the long satin cape, flying
helplessly to save anyone who hints at trouble. Depression, anxiety, self-doubt,
I am the hero who will give all to show that you are somebody. Empathy, though
good, will bring out the wolves and lions to emotionally suck each inch of your
blood out of you until you break. This was me, only to find out when my cape was
torn and tattered, those I helped turned their backs and repeated my problems
are not their problems.
My story is beginning, this December 1st 2024. This is MY journey to healing.
One day at a time like AA except there are no badges at the end of my journey.
Hard work, hard days, and maybe life will get back on course. Maybe I should
just let my capsule stay on auto-pilot. At least my dreams can take me back to
the days of happiness, despair, manipulation, cheating, and betrayal. Days I can
see my children without arguing about how more i can pour when I have given
everything away. It sounds crazy, but when auto-pilot was set on my last
mission, at least I wasn't riding alone.
